Blog Entry number 10: “I want to do bad things with you”
So the title of this entry is a line from the theme song to
True Blood. Yes I like True Blood. Well, I take that back, I love it!!! These
vamps are a thousand times better than those in Twilight, which I can’t stand.
I did enjoy laughing at the first movie, when Jacks showed it to me. Such an
unintentionally funny movie…Okay, I am getting off the track here, let me begin
why I named this blog after that line.
People say that having sex is important, but then a
different group of people say the exact opposite. Growing up, I had always
feared sex. It always worried me. Now here is the sweetener to my problem. The
first time I had sex…was at 13, with a friend, a male friend. He was the same
age as me. One night we were talking about experimenting. We were wondering
what it was like, so I had my first sexual experience with a male. This made
things confusing for me. I have romantic feelings for women, but over the
course of my life, I had sex with three guys total. Confusing huh?
Well, let me expand more. My first girlfriend Jennifer, I
really was in love with her. She was my whole world. I met her when I was 12,
and I thought I had died and gone to heaven. My problem was…I was afraid to get
close to her. Things were different. I didn’t know what to do with these
feelings. These feelings were adult, and being an adult back then scared me. It
took time for me to kiss her for the first time. I was scared, it was my first
kiss. Just the idea scared me, until I met Susan in high school. She was
amazing. I was more open with her, and things seemed to work out. Getting close
to her was the easiest thing to do. Holding her and kissing her gave me a
wonderful feeling, a feeling of joy. I was really into her.
So, after her, there was no one for a long time. The third
man I had sex with happened a few years after I left Texas
for the state of Ohio.
There were moments where I had crushes on women, but I was always afraid to
approach them, for fear of rejection. I was always scared of women. Scared of
getting close to them, scared of the thought of having sex with them.
Part of me was embarrassed. I am a big guy, and I hated the
way I looked. In some ways I still do. It seems every woman I clocked eyes on,
looked at me differently. I was not the sexy guy they were looking for. I have
gotten better though, I see myself differently than what I was years ago. I
have grown to see myself in a better light. I have learned to overlook my
so-called “misfortunes” and learned to accept the great qualities I possess.
When I entered college, things started to turn around. I met
this girl Casey, she was so sexy and funny. I really had a crush on her, but I
was afraid to tell her, until one night, I did tell her, and that night I
finally got to experience things that I had only thought about but were afraid
to make a reality. I mean, it was only third base, but it was so amazing.
Now down to the nitty gritty here. The crazy thing about my
feelings is, is that with men, there is no closeness, its just sex. No romantic
feeling whatsoever. With women, I don’t know, there was always a closeness, but
I was afraid to experience it. I was afraid to let it in my life. I never
really associated love with sex, until 2012, when I had sex with a woman. My
girlfriend. Now all of a sudden, the flood gates are open, and I am not afraid
anymore.
Part of me still worries about getting close to people. I
still worry about getting hurt, but I guess I am gonna have to get used to it.
So, what is your interpretation about all of this??????
