Blog Episode 106: "The sun dances on the ground"

Blog Episode 106: "The sun dances on the ground"

Have you ever listened to a song that spoke to you, and the sad feelings you have? Now take that song and hear it on a day, where the clouds have broken and the sun creeps out. Now, what thoughts go through your head? Do you feel better than you did before, or do those feelings all come back? I could say that I am 100% better, but I would be lying. Things seem to be falling into place, but there is still that thought, that feeling in the back of my head. You know the movie "The Manchurian Candidate" or "Telefon" with Charles Bronson? Well, the reason why I am mentioning that is that both movies are about assassins who are triggered to kill after hearing a song, or a certain poem. They could be leading normal everyday lives, but when they hear that song, something comes back.

Well, that is why I mentioned those movies...well that plus the fact that I think Charles Bronson is awesome! Anyhoo, this song brought back an old feeling, and it made me question whether the old feeling is...well, old or not. It is a happy feeling that makes me feel good, and it has its little dash of sadness, but it is a happy feeling.

Seeing the sun bursting through the clouds got me to write this little poem:

The clouds break all around,
the sun dances on the ground.
A song begins to play,
too bad its a song from a cloudy day.
The melancholy E-minor plucks my heart strings,
only to be trumped by the love the C chord brings.
Love brings warm dreams and gives you hope,
The inevitability of reality cripples 'till you cant cope.
So on this day of maddening joy and light,
a decades old rivalry continues its fight.
As the referee of this bloody bout,
happiness is winning without a doubt.
No matter how much joy, the love and happiness can bring,
the doubt, fear, and inevitability bloodily returns to the ring.

What does this poem mean?: The weight of sadness withers away little by little, and its still painful, but I am happier now than I was before.

Blog Episode 105: Some Nights I Wake Up and Wish I Were a Cheeseburger

Episode 106: Some Nights I Wake Up and Wish I Were a Cheeseburger

We are doing comical lines are we now? Why yes, I am changing things up a but,
because, well I don't know. I was walking through the mall, and this line popped
in my head: 'Some Nights I Wake Up and Wish I Were a Cheeseburger.'

What does this mean???? Well, in a nutshell, it means that I would rather be someone,
or something else, than myself.

Why, you ask? Well, lately, if you have been reading this blog, I have been feeling...how
should I put this? What word sums it all up? I feel like shit. Let me elaborate a little...

For some time now, I have been feeling like I am not who I was. I have become an angry
and lonely man. I haven't been taking my anger out on anyone. I have been beating myself
up. Some days have been great, fun, and full of hope. There are days however that get dark
and hopeless. Why? It all goes back to the old problem of self esteem. Some days I feel like
I am not worth it. I don't deserve the love that deep down inside I really want and hope for.

The women of the past, I have feared them. I have a fear of women. There is something about
them that is so scary. I couldn't  tell you what it is, maybe I have put them on a pedestal for so
long, that I have grown to fear them. I do hold them up high, only because they are special.
I think women are wonderful and amazing. I would crawl to the ends of the earth, if that meant
that the girl of my dreams would be in my arms. But that wont happen. I don't deserve her,
I don't deserve any of them.

'Why do you feel this way?' my friends ask. 'I don't know' I answer back, 'I just don't think I am good
enough.' Sounds selfish and mean doesn't it? I guess it comes from being shot down in high school or something.

I am grateful for every woman in my life, though. They are goddesses who are full of love.