Blog Episode 107: "I'm walkin' on sunshine. Woooaaaaahhhh, and don't it feel good, hey!"

Blog Episode 107: "I'm walkin' on sunshine. Woooaaaaahhhh, and don't it feel good, hey!"

So, it has been a while, what has changed?

Well, there was this girl that I met online a while back who goes to the school I left, after a while, we really got to know each other, and one night...she and I really got together, lol. Yes, this observer has a girlfriend. She is so wonderful, and sweet and kind, and sexy. She has awoken this sexual side of me I haven't seen, or even thought existed. She makes me feel like I matter, and that I am great, and well...I realize that now, that night she and I came together, gave me so much confidence in myself that I could satisfy a woman's desires. Well well!!!

So, what about the other girl?

Ah the other girl. Hmm, well, there will always be a spot in my heart for the other girl, and I will always care about her, but the other girl doesn't want me. So I am ok with it. I wrote her a song, and sounded like an idiot when she confronted me about it. Sure I think she is still great, and who knows what will happen down the road, but right now, I am in love with another, and she makes me happy. I would still love to hang out with the other girl, if she would still love to hang out with me, because she means a lot to me.

So, I am happy now...So I go on, observing and learning the crazy things about this world, all I need now, are my close friends and my love behind me.

Blog Episode 106: "The sun dances on the ground"

Blog Episode 106: "The sun dances on the ground"

Have you ever listened to a song that spoke to you, and the sad feelings you have? Now take that song and hear it on a day, where the clouds have broken and the sun creeps out. Now, what thoughts go through your head? Do you feel better than you did before, or do those feelings all come back? I could say that I am 100% better, but I would be lying. Things seem to be falling into place, but there is still that thought, that feeling in the back of my head. You know the movie "The Manchurian Candidate" or "Telefon" with Charles Bronson? Well, the reason why I am mentioning that is that both movies are about assassins who are triggered to kill after hearing a song, or a certain poem. They could be leading normal everyday lives, but when they hear that song, something comes back.

Well, that is why I mentioned those movies...well that plus the fact that I think Charles Bronson is awesome! Anyhoo, this song brought back an old feeling, and it made me question whether the old feeling is...well, old or not. It is a happy feeling that makes me feel good, and it has its little dash of sadness, but it is a happy feeling.

Seeing the sun bursting through the clouds got me to write this little poem:

The clouds break all around,
the sun dances on the ground.
A song begins to play,
too bad its a song from a cloudy day.
The melancholy E-minor plucks my heart strings,
only to be trumped by the love the C chord brings.
Love brings warm dreams and gives you hope,
The inevitability of reality cripples 'till you cant cope.
So on this day of maddening joy and light,
a decades old rivalry continues its fight.
As the referee of this bloody bout,
happiness is winning without a doubt.
No matter how much joy, the love and happiness can bring,
the doubt, fear, and inevitability bloodily returns to the ring.

What does this poem mean?: The weight of sadness withers away little by little, and its still painful, but I am happier now than I was before.

Blog Episode 105: Some Nights I Wake Up and Wish I Were a Cheeseburger

Episode 106: Some Nights I Wake Up and Wish I Were a Cheeseburger

We are doing comical lines are we now? Why yes, I am changing things up a but,
because, well I don't know. I was walking through the mall, and this line popped
in my head: 'Some Nights I Wake Up and Wish I Were a Cheeseburger.'

What does this mean???? Well, in a nutshell, it means that I would rather be someone,
or something else, than myself.

Why, you ask? Well, lately, if you have been reading this blog, I have been feeling...how
should I put this? What word sums it all up? I feel like shit. Let me elaborate a little...

For some time now, I have been feeling like I am not who I was. I have become an angry
and lonely man. I haven't been taking my anger out on anyone. I have been beating myself
up. Some days have been great, fun, and full of hope. There are days however that get dark
and hopeless. Why? It all goes back to the old problem of self esteem. Some days I feel like
I am not worth it. I don't deserve the love that deep down inside I really want and hope for.

The women of the past, I have feared them. I have a fear of women. There is something about
them that is so scary. I couldn't  tell you what it is, maybe I have put them on a pedestal for so
long, that I have grown to fear them. I do hold them up high, only because they are special.
I think women are wonderful and amazing. I would crawl to the ends of the earth, if that meant
that the girl of my dreams would be in my arms. But that wont happen. I don't deserve her,
I don't deserve any of them.

'Why do you feel this way?' my friends ask. 'I don't know' I answer back, 'I just don't think I am good
enough.' Sounds selfish and mean doesn't it? I guess it comes from being shot down in high school or something.

I am grateful for every woman in my life, though. They are goddesses who are full of love. 

Blog Episode 104: “Wet ground and the snow is still not falling. Circumstances are alarming, darling.

Blog Episode 104: “Wet ground and the snow is still not falling. Circumstances are alarming, darling.
The future is just a word, that's how I recall it. The past is much more present in our yawning. Seemingly it seems to me I'm subject to a joke, and it's not a test” (I know, long title)

This blog entry, yeah I know it’s been a while, is about dealing with the feelings that you can’t express, and you can’t ignore.

It was over the Christmas holidays, and my brother wanted to go through some old photographs and scan them into his computer so he could have another copy. There were so many photos of me and him in Germany, and going on trips that we haven’t looked at in ages.

A couple of thoughts that so many probably are familiar with passed through my head, as I looked at photographs of myself and my parents:

1. For the first time ever, I saw my parents as actually people, a man and a woman who love each other. They drink beer, they laugh, and they…have sex… (eeeeuuuu) they walk and talk like normal people, not like the aliens that most kids think they are. They smoked weed and got into trouble too.

2. It hit me that these photos are all I have; they are all we have, to know that we existed. They are documents of how happy and free we once were. We realize that that moment is the high point of life, and I don’t remember any of it. Bits flash through my head like the bits of files on a broken hard drive, but these photos are all the hard evidence I have of when nothing mattered, except waking up in the morning and watching “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,” or coming home and watching “Square One” on PBS as my mom makes me Spaghetti-O’s.

Don’t get me wrong, this is not making me really really sad at all. Right now I am just lonely, not extremely sad. Both of those together are a recipe for disaster. It has allowed me to wake up a little from this fresh hell called “earth.” I am starting to accept that there are things I want and could die for, that I can’t have, I have many regrets swimming in my head that I am trying to get rid of.

So...yeah. I need to get back to my other writing assignment. The loneliness talk I am saving for the script. I need something to write about. This stuff really doesnt fit in the movie. So I thought I would share the observation and vent a little. Hope it was coherent enough. I always worry that things I say don't make sense to people because I tend to ramble on.

Blog episode 103: "Honey Lately, I've been way down/Say Hello, Wave Goodbye Medley"

Episode 103: “Honey lately, I’ve been way down/ Say Hello and Wave Goodbye Medley”

Well, it has been a while since I have posted anything on my blog…a long, long time. I guess I should update you on my situation right now. Right now, I am struggling to find a job in the entertainment industry, and in any industry for that matter. I really don’t know what I am doing wrong, maybe there is something I could change, I don’t know. I just know that now I have to move up to Maryland with my parents for a bit to sort everything out. The move is not going to be easy. Saying goodbye to people is not easy, but there is one girl it was so hard to tell about the move, someone that I have tremendous difficulty saying goodbye to. She is the hardest person to say goodbye to because she has impacted my life in ways you can’t even imagine. She opened me up, and got me outside for a while. Because of her I really did not want to stay inside so much. Sure we would go to the movies, because that is a vice we both share, but we were at least not in our rooms on the computer. 

I fell for this girl, she was the most incredible woman I have met in years, but it wasn’t in the cards. I don’t know what it was about her, but she was so striking and explosive that I was so afraid to tell her how I felt for fear of being blasted into another dimension. Okay, I am sounding stupid now. What I am getting at is that this girl is so special to me, because I get her, and surprisingly she gets me somehow. I feel this connection, and I have told her things most people don’t know about me. She has become a very close friend, and I am happy with that. I couldn't ask for anything more. So as the days go by, and I get closer to my moving date, I become increasingly okay with the move. It was what she said to me one night “Don’t be sad about it now, because you are going to miss all of the happy memories that are being made right now. You’re not going to enjoy your last moments with the people you love, and that is sad.” In a nutshell, that is what she said. After she said that, I began breathing normally, I stopped hyperventilating, and began writing ideas more.

So I wonder if saying goodbye is even appropriate. Maybe it is something my friends’ late mom said to me one day, “It’s not goodbye, It’s see you later.” So maybe see you later would be better?

Blog episode 102: "Hey There (Insert Lover's Name Here)"

Episode 102: "Hey There (Insert Lover's Name Here)"

Yes, in case you didn't know, the title of this entry is a play on "Hey There Delilah" by Plain White T's. Why choose this title? It is the song that reminds me that I am alone. Actually, you know what I hate the most? I was walking through Krogers Market. (Hey, that's how I say it "Krogers") I was shopping, getting my usual Dr. K soda, cause I am on a budget and I wanted soda dammit! On the loud speakers, they usually play some upbeat music. When I was getting my groceries, "The Scientist" by Coldplay came on. I love that song, but it was not the song I wanted to hear. I guess I've just got this fog  that I just can't walk out of. I've still got this thought in my mind that I just can't shake. No matter what anyone says, I can't seem to escape the thoughts.

Everytime I walk down the street, or standing in line at the store, or even hanging with my friends, I still get this feeling at the pit of my stomach. I don't know when this started, but when I see my friend with his girlfriend, this knot begins to twist in my stomach, and I want to just look away when seeing this, but it is everywhere. I hate seeing this. The thought that pops in my head is: "Hey, here is this beautiful girl, with a guy that is a hundred times better than me. Better looking, better at sports, better at love, better at damn near everything. A Sensitive Guy 2.0. So much better than the crappy and completely obsolete original. I really dont know what to do here. I feel like I am approaching the finish line, and I have nothing to show for it, other than this degree that is getting me nowhere. I host a radio show, that is getting me nowhere. I havent written a thing in 3 weeks, and my script is going nowhere. I don't even know if I want to continue any of these things anymore. A friend of mine said that she had found her missing piece. I have never seen her glow like this. I am so happy for her. It was like she was reborn, and she had never looked more beautiful. Now, where am I going to find mine. I thought I did, but that will never work. Nothing ever seems to. So what do I do? I feel like I have nothing, even though I have more than I could ask for. I am just going to go to work, and make enough money to live until I die. I can't live like that. My heart, my head, and my stomach wont let me live like that. Where am I going to go?

I just need to go to sleep. I haven't been sleeping very well lately. I love all my friends, and want nothing more than to make them and my family proud.

-Sensitive Guy

Blog episode 101: Into the Mystic

"Call me, Sensitive Guy." Yes, I am a Moby Dick reference. he he he he, dick, lol. Giggidy.

Well, for some reason, all these thoughts flood my head at such ungodly hours, that I need to find some outlet to let them...well...out. So after reading a friends blog, I decided to write one of my own. Wait, shouldn't I be working on my radio show, or my script? Nah, just want to blab for a few minutes. Soooooo....yeah! I have nothing to say, other than, I am a strange man, in a strange land. I have kept from being intimate with people for so long, that I can't take it anymore. I really want to find a girl that I can stand sitting next to me. I don't even care about finding "the one" cause...well, cause I don't care about it anymore. I am gonna waste time looking for something that could take 30 years to find. I just want someone to lay with, and hold, and love. I feel I am ready, but it seems the world isn't ready for me. What the hell am I to do? Listen to more "sad bastard music." Leonard Cohen, The Smiths, and oh, of course, the "Once" Soundtrack. "Falling Slowly" is the best song on the soundtrack! Well, I must go to figure out how to maneuver my way through the universe, and go off..."Into the Mystic." Yeah that's right, I said the title of the blog entry! lol