“It’s amazing just how very little you know about yourself”

“It’s amazing just how very little you know about yourself”

Well, long time no writey. For the most part, things have seemed to be okay, except of course on the job front. It’s a really hard time to find a job. I have managed to find little things here and there, in and outside my field of film, television, and radio. Recently, I have had this feeling of confusion, of loneliness. Even though I have an amazing girlfriend who is there for me, and I am there for her as well. There is something I can’t get out of my head…a series of questions. Some of them may shock those I know who read this, but here it goes…am I gay?

As you may or may not know, I have had sex with a few men, since I was 13. Don’t worry, it was with someone my age. I only did it at first to experiment. To see what it was like, and I loved it. Every bit of it, it made me feel good inside. All while this was going on, my uncomfortability towards women continued. I did have crushes, but I was scared to approach. I had a few guys in my bed before I met my current girlfriend. Well, my gf and I have been playing around with role reversal, me being the girl, you know? Well, it has brought back these feelings. I don’t know what to do. I am scared here. One minute I want a cock really bad, and the next, I feel uncomfortable with that feeling.

Many times in the past, I have looked at porn, one thing I have realized…I don’t see myself as the guy. I imagine myself in the girl’s position. Sometimes I imagine what life would be like if I was a girl whenever I get confused about how I feel. I am still attracted to women, but is it because it's "what is supposed to be" as I have pictured it my entire life? or am I just bisexual???

The only feeling I am having, is a feeling of being lost. If you have any advice or explanation, please leave me a comment. 

“When busy streets a mess with people, would stop to hold their heads heavy”

Long title I know, but this song “Hide and Seek” by Imogen Heap has been stuck in my head for several weeks now. BTW, this one of my favorite lines from the song. Ok, so lets get started with this blog, I know it has been a while.

Have you ever thought your life was running in sequel mode? Well, not just any sequel, a really repetitive one, where the character just never learns from his naive yet stupid mistakes? That’s the kind of life I’m living. Lately I realize, that all the stupid things I do, are the horrific side effects of what makes up the good parts of me. The parts that still to this day, baffle, surprise, and even make some women feel guilty. 

Women are my whole world. Sure I help men out, but it is women that I really truly want to take care of. Something last week hit me by surprise. I am with my girlfriend, and we are really getting hot. After she climaxes, she asks me if I came, and I told her, not yet. What’s crazy, is that I didn’t and do not care about me getting off, I really want to get her off, and I proved that I can do that in spades, but I don’t worry about myself.

The truth is…I really don’t. 

It makes me happy knowing that the people I love are well pleased and satisfied.

So, what are the horrific side effects of the “stupid things I do” i.e. being nice? Stress mostly, some sleepless nights, and some moments where I just want to break down, but I really can’t. You know what the crazy part is? If I would go back, I would do the stupid things still, because they are for people I really care about. Maybe its because I am drawn to them or something. Something about them just jumps out and says “this girl is something”

I really don’t know why I am writing anymore, it really is not making an impact. I am still sad, and angry at myself, and so incredibly stupid for thinking that if I do something, it’s gonna go off without a hitch. Things never go off without a hitch. There is always something isn’t their?

I don’t know how to close this entry, other than another song quote, but I really am not feeling music right now, so I will just say that after all this, my love for women is admirable. I never want to see them hurt, I always open doors for them even if its old fashioned, and I actually listen, and not that fake listening shit that some men do. I really love hearing what people have to say. I love hearing what happens in other people’s worlds. I also happen to give the most amazing hugs, and I have a set of shoulders that are the most absorbent ever, they can handle the toughest of tears (I know that sounds like a paper towel ad, lol). The only thing I ask of all this, is not to use it like a paper towel, just use it like you mean it. Use it like you care.

Okay, enough ranting and sobbing, its time to watch a movie. Everyone have a good day. Peace and love to Jacks and CelticWings, and to everyone else reading :)

Entry number 10: “I want to do bad things with you”...but I'm so afraid to.

Blog Entry number 10: “I want to do bad things with you”

So the title of this entry is a line from the theme song to True Blood. Yes I like True Blood. Well, I take that back, I love it!!! These vamps are a thousand times better than those in Twilight, which I can’t stand. I did enjoy laughing at the first movie, when Jacks showed it to me. Such an unintentionally funny movie…Okay, I am getting off the track here, let me begin why I named this blog after that line.

People say that having sex is important, but then a different group of people say the exact opposite. Growing up, I had always feared sex. It always worried me. Now here is the sweetener to my problem. The first time I had sex…was at 13, with a friend, a male friend. He was the same age as me. One night we were talking about experimenting. We were wondering what it was like, so I had my first sexual experience with a male. This made things confusing for me. I have romantic feelings for women, but over the course of my life, I had sex with three guys total. Confusing huh?

Well, let me expand more. My first girlfriend Jennifer, I really was in love with her. She was my whole world. I met her when I was 12, and I thought I had died and gone to heaven. My problem was…I was afraid to get close to her. Things were different. I didn’t know what to do with these feelings. These feelings were adult, and being an adult back then scared me. It took time for me to kiss her for the first time. I was scared, it was my first kiss. Just the idea scared me, until I met Susan in high school. She was amazing. I was more open with her, and things seemed to work out. Getting close to her was the easiest thing to do. Holding her and kissing her gave me a wonderful feeling, a feeling of joy. I was really into her.

So, after her, there was no one for a long time. The third man I had sex with happened a few years after I left Texas for the state of Ohio. There were moments where I had crushes on women, but I was always afraid to approach them, for fear of rejection. I was always scared of women. Scared of getting close to them, scared of the thought of having sex with them.

Part of me was embarrassed. I am a big guy, and I hated the way I looked. In some ways I still do. It seems every woman I clocked eyes on, looked at me differently. I was not the sexy guy they were looking for. I have gotten better though, I see myself differently than what I was years ago. I have grown to see myself in a better light. I have learned to overlook my so-called “misfortunes” and learned to accept the great qualities I possess.

When I entered college, things started to turn around. I met this girl Casey, she was so sexy and funny. I really had a crush on her, but I was afraid to tell her, until one night, I did tell her, and that night I finally got to experience things that I had only thought about but were afraid to make a reality. I mean, it was only third base, but it was so amazing.

Now down to the nitty gritty here. The crazy thing about my feelings is, is that with men, there is no closeness, its just sex. No romantic feeling whatsoever. With women, I don’t know, there was always a closeness, but I was afraid to experience it. I was afraid to let it in my life. I never really associated love with sex, until 2012, when I had sex with a woman. My girlfriend. Now all of a sudden, the flood gates are open, and I am not afraid anymore.

Part of me still worries about getting close to people. I still worry about getting hurt, but I guess I am gonna have to get used to it.

So, what is your interpretation about all of this??????

Episode 9.6 The List I "Creatively Borrowed" from Jacks, lol

Well, Jacks posted this list that was right up my alley, so here we go!

1. What was the last movie you watched in theaters?
The Avengers. For the third time and with Jacks!
2. What was the first movie you ever remember watching in theaters?
Die Hard 2
3. Top 5 movies

(These change frequently)

1. Magnolia

2. Clerks

3. Annie Hall/ Manhattan

4. Once

5. The Poseidon Adventure

4. Top 5 directors
Christopher Nolan, Woody Allen, Ed Wood, Martin Scorsese, Kevin Smith
5. A favorite adapted movie
OOOH, TOUGH ONE! Its a tie, DEATH WISH and MISERY
6. Your best experience on going to the movies
Well, lets see...Going to see Die Hard 2 with my father. Another was really amazing...Going to my first ever early screening/q&a for a movie. I went with Jacks to see Another Earth and got to meet the two people behind the movie, and got to know Jacks a little bit more. I dont think that I will ever forget that.
7. A guilty pleasure
Plan 9 from Outer Space, Ishtar, Jersey Girl (2004 it totally makes me cry), The Adventures of Buckaroo Bonzai Across the 8th Dimension, Phantom of the Paradise, Trancers, The Room.
8. An overrated movie
John Wayne movies, except True Grit and Hellfighters
9. An underrated movie
Ishtar, Death to Smoochy
10. A movie that not many have heard that you’ve seen
Sooo many. Heist (2001), House (1986), S.O.B. (1981 "The movie where Marry Poppins gets nude!" lol.)
11. A movie you watched mainly for an actor
I havent done that in a while. I mostly watch movies cause of the director or writer, i.e. Kevin Smith, Woody Allen, Martin Scorsese, and Paul Thomas Anderson.
12. Top 5 actors
Gene Hackman, Harrison Ford, Dustin Hoffman, Kevin Spacey, George Clooney and Tom Hanks
13. Top 5 actresses
Meryl Streep, Julia Roberts, Julianne Moore, Charlize Theron, Natalie Portman
14. VHS, DVD or Blu-Ray?
DVD and VHS.
15. Favorite Disney movie (not PIXAR!)
Tied...Beauty and the Beast and Tron
16. A tearjerker
Magnolia
17. A movie that you know it’s bad but you can’t help but love it
Tied...The Room, and Killer Klowns from Outer Space
18. Favorite Movie Soundtrack
Magnolia (Aimee Mann and Michael Penn) and House 1986 (Harry Manfredini)
19. Favorite quote from a movie
"I'm not a smart man, but I know what love is." -Forrest Gump
20. A movie that was better than the book
Misery
21. First adult film you watched (thematically speaking not R-rated)
The Big Chill
22. A kids movie you always watch
Honey I Shrunk the Kids and lol Gremlins, even though some people wouldnt call it a kids movie, it is to me dammit :)
23. Favorite Science Fiction movie
12:01 (1993), 2001: A Space Odyssey, Stargate, Independence Day, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Blade Runner, Star Wars 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
24. Favorite Comedy
Weekend at Bernies, Dumb and Dumber, and anything from Woody Allen and Albert Brooks.
25. Favorite Fantasy
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Synecdoche, NY (incredibly fucked up and awesome!), Being John Malkovich...well, Charlie Kaufman movies, Be Kind Rewind, Cashback, and Science of Sleep.
26. Favorite Love Story
Everyone Says I Love You, The Boat that Rocked, Submarine, Notting Hill
27. A movie you hate
Dracula: Dead and Loving It! (my friends love it, I HATE IT!)
28. Favorite animated movie
Spirited Away was good. Heavy Metal, Vampire Hunter D, and this is cheesy but...Cool World.
29. A movie from your favorite director you didn’t like
Kundun (Martin Scorsese...Soooo Borrriiinnnngggg)
Heaven's Gate (Michael Cimino...beautiful looking and so epic, but epically fucking borrrriiinnnnggg at 3hrs and 35 minutes!)
30. Favorite comic book movie
The Crow
31. 3 movies you’re expecting excitedly!
Looper, Dark Knight Rises, Amazing Spider-Man
32. A book you read for a movie
Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist (Better than the movie) and coming soon, I promise I will finish On the Road
33. Favorite Musical
Tie...Little Shop of Horrors, Phantom of the Paradise, Once, My Fair Lady, and Pirates of Penzance
34. Favorite fictional character
Indiana Jones, Michael Clayton, Henry Hill, Robin Hood (Costner version)
35. A movie you wished they never made
The Person I stole this from said anything with Kate Hudson, which I understand, I hate her too. Arthur (the remake with Russell Brand. IT SUCKED!!!!!!!!!!!)
36. Favorite remake!
Scarface

Episode 9.5 The Fun One Where No Ones Heart is Broken or Dead or Has Lost a Kitten :-P

Okay, Jacks posted a quiz she found on Tumblr, and I liked it, so I decided to be a little lighthearted and post my answers, so here we go!

1) Put your iTunes on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up.
1. Willie Nelson- "On the Road Again"

2. CCR- "Proud Mary" (now my second favorite version. I used to hate Tina Turner's version, but now love it so much)

3. Graham Nash - "Man in the Mirror" (I was obsessed with Nash in the summer of 2011. My heart was broken and I wallowed for...I guess I still have a bit of wallow in me)

4. George Clinton- "Erotic City" (Oh yeah, George Clinton and the Parliment Funkadelic, Dr. Funkenstein...sorry let me move on. Love George Clinton, ok next.)

5. The Beatles - "Real Love" (It's on my list of Beatles songs that are hard to listen to without crying my eyes out)

6. Jesus Jones- "Right Here, Right Now" (Okay, this is an odd list, but I dont care. I like all kinds of music)


2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

Kevin Smith, Leonard Cohen, Steven Spielberg, George Lucas, Wes Anderson, David Gray, Matthew Perry, George Clooney, Kirsten Dunst.


3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.


' "You dont need a ride anymore?" I ask. I'm not above using my wheels to angle for some more time with a complicated girl. ' from Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, which I still have to return to a friend.

4) What do you think about most?

Being alone. Worrying that I let people down. Writing and trying to come up with the next timeless romantic comedy to cover up the lack of timelessness in my life.

5) What does your latest text message from someone else say?

"I'm doing fine, how about u? Im enjoying my little vacation :) mom's hooding ceremony is tonite and the commencement is tomorrow - Crystal

6) What's your strangest talent?

Trying way to hard to imitate voices, some good, some bad

7) Ever had a poem or song written about you?

Nope

8) When is the last time you played the air guitar?

Today while walking to Library, "Two Way Monologue" by Sondre Lerche

9) Do you have any strange phobias?

Sometimes, Small spaces filled with people.


10) Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

Yeah, does a pencil made in china count?

11) What's your religion?

I dont know. My gf doesnt, and it totally bugs me, but I believe in god.

12) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

Writing, walking, listening to music.

13) Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

Behind, my ugly ass aint getting in front anymore, lol.

14) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

Favorite singer: Leonard Cohen (cause when I heard him, I found he was writing and singing what I always am feeling...if that makes sense) Band: It's a tie! Timbuk 3 (They are dark, twisted, funny, and just plain awesome.) and right now...Fox and the Bird. (Never before have I heard something so beautiful that it brings me to tears like they do)

15) What was the last lie you told?

This one is hard for me to say because...well...I just cant answer it. You will have to ask me personally. It is too hard for me to deal with right now.

16) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

Weakness...indecisiveness. Strength...Love and Compassion.

17) Who is your celebrity crush?

Right now...Emily Blunt, Tina Fey, Kirsten Dunst, and George Clooney, just cause he is so awesome!

18) Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

Nope.

19) How do you vent your anger?

I beat myself up and drink a Dr. Pepper and I am all calm, and repeat.

20) Do you have a collection of anything?

For a while...Movie Ticket Stubs, but the Movie Tavern stubs really suck, cause they are paper, so they are hard to keep. Also VHS tapes, especially of really bad movies, cause there are a ton of bad movies people havent seen out there.


21) Are you happy with the person you've become?

Nope.

22) What's a sound you hate; sound you love?

Hate: Silence

Love: The sound of film going through a projector, all various movie theater sounds, the adorable laugh from a friend of mine when I did the Orson Welles voice from his Champagne commercials. That sound will forever be in my memory.

23) What's your biggest "what if"?

What if she really doesnt like me? What if she is hiding something to protect my feelings? (mainly because i am guilty of the same)

24) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

Yeah, they are everywhere!

25) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

Right -Wood. Left- My bag of hard drives, phone, and iPod

26) Smell the air. What do you smell?

Books, cause im in a library. Oh and coffee too.

27) What's the worst place you have ever been to?

Never met a place I didnt like.

28) Choose East Coast or West Coast?

West Coast. Seattle, Los Angeles, Las Vegas, oh yeah!

29) Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

Adele. I would treat her like a queen.

30) What's the weather like right now?

Hot! 90 degrees

31) What time is it?

4:40 P.M.

32) Do you drive? Yes.

If so, have you ever crashed?

Yes, into a pole in a parking garage, and I accidentally hit my teacher. He survived of course

33) What was the last book you read?

"Fiasco: A History of Hollywood's Iconic Flops" by James Robert Parish

34) Do you like the smell of gasoline?

Yes.

35) Do you have any nicknames?

Josephus, Stewart (Cause I hated my name), and Jojo

36) What was the last movie you saw?


THE FIVE YEAR ENGAGEMENT.

37) What's the worst injury you've ever had?

Fainted, and smashed my head to the ground. Busted my lip open badly and bruised my head.

38) Have you ever caught a butterfly?

Nope. Tried to catch a social butterfly once. Man those ones are hard to catch :-P

39) Do you have any obsessions right now?

Yes, trying to get my movie made.

40) Ever had a rumor spread about you?

Yes, but most were true. "Hey he likes (Insert girls name here)"

41) Do you believe in magic?

Yes, and it will be the death of me.

42) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

Yes, but I love them anyway

43) What is your astrological sign?

Aries

44) Do you save money or spend it?

Spend it on movies. But lately I am trying to save to make one of my own! :)

45) What's the last thing you purchased?

Taco Casa

46) In a relationship?

Yes, but things are a little off.

47) How many relationships have you had?

3, 4 if you want to count my first love who didnt want to tell me that she wasnt into me :-(

48) Where were you yesterday?

Watching "The Lucky One" and "The Five Year Engagement" for free!


49) Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

Someone wearing a pink shirt

50) Are you wearing socks right now?

Yep, always

51) What's your favorite animal?

Dogs, Cats, and Horses.

52) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

Trying to make them laugh.

53) Where is your best friend?

He is off mowing his lawn at his house.

54) What is your heritage?

German. With a little Awesome and Kickassian. Apparently my ancestors were from the village of Kickassistan :-P

55) What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

Asleep, I was too tired to do anything

56) Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

Thinking about someone else, yeah.

57) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

Yes.

58) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live.
a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? Yes, my closest friends will know, and family.
b) What do you do with your remaining days? Drink, Take Shrooms, Have sex...Drink...Have sex, oh and have sex. Did I mention sex? :-P
c) Would you be afraid? Yeah, but Id be too drunk on whiskey and beauty that I would totally forget about dying.

59) What's a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

"Ive Seen All Good People/Your Move" by Yes "Kumm E Klele" by J.D. Nicholas (its a feel good reggae song)

60) What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

Nice Try internet, getting me to reveal myself. Tisk Tisk.

61) How can I win your heart?

Dont be fake. Dont pretend to laugh at my jokes if you dont think its funny, and dont fake an orgasm, cause regardless of what you think about men, some of us can really tell :-P Be a lover of movies and music, and be passionate about it.

62) Can insanity bring on more creativity?

Always

63) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

Being at UNT. I met someone who brought lightning to my rainstorm. She made me see things, basically.

64) What size shoes do you where?

13...Yeah, think about that! You know what they say about guys with big feet? Large shoes of course :-P

65) What is your favorite word?

Love

66) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

"Magic Man" "Crazy on You" Oh the word heart? Love, hope, the future.

67) What is a saying you say a lot?

"Fuck a duck in hell!" "Asstastic" "Basically" "In a nutshell"

68) What's the last song you listened to?

"Go Your Own Way" by Fleetwood Mac

69) Basic question; what's your favorite color/colors?

Black, White, Grey, Red, Purple.

70) What is your current desktop picture?

Its of UNT, cause im at the library. My laptop died on me a while ago. On my laptop, it was a picture of the extreme close up of Mary Elizabeth Winstead's sexy eyes from Scott Pilgrim.

71) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

Too many to list, but I will throw a name out there, The cast of The View, cause they annoy me, or maybe I'll take the Stewie Griffin approach and let them kill each other over cheesecake :-P

72) What would be a question you'd be afraid to tell the truth on?

Why are you here?

73) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

The ability to resurrect the dead and create my own army of bloody mutant zombies, mwahahahaha! Oh seriously? Oh, um, well, the ability to make things disappear, trash, people, cars on the highway, things like that.

74) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

It would be a tie, either meeting a group of indie horror filmmakers at that horror convention I worked at in 2002, dancing with a good friend in October of 2010, cause that is the first time I really danced.

75) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

Having to tell my sick and non responsive grandfather that he had to sell his house to help pay for hospitilization, a couple of weeks before he died. It made me feel odd.

76) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

Okay, this is odd, but Woman: Zooey Deschanel, Tina Fey, or Kirsten Dunst. man: George Clooney, Chris Evans from Captain America or Michael Fassbender (come on, who wouldnt, lol)

77) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

Seattle, Washington. To scout locations for Heaven

78) Do you have any relatives in jail?

No

79) Have you ever thrown up in the car?

Yes, on the way to the hospital with apendicitis

80) Ever been on a plane?

Yep, many times. I loved being in First Class. I felt like a badass

81) If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

Just give me 95 minutes to wow you!

82) Give me your top 7 favorite blogs on Tumblr.

Ive only been on Tumblr once, but I have two fav blogs on blogger

from two women I really care about :-)

Jacks: http://lostincolor.blogspot.com/

and

CelticWings: http://celtic-wings33.blogspot.com/

;-)

So there you go!

Blog Episode 9: Weight of the World

When I was a young kid, my mom was driving me to Austin. I felt like the luckiest kid on earth! Good food, happy times, and many good laughs. It got to be midnight by the time we left the great city. Looking out the window, watching the moving scenery, something struck me. A thought moved through my mind and got me to think what some would consider a required thought at my age: The Future.

This thought though, was not what people wanted me to think…I’m rambling aren’t I? This is why it is hard for me to sell an idea. Anyway, I saw a skyscraper, which blew my mind. I’ve seen them before, but this was massive! Lights and all, it was a sight to see, lighting all of the city of Austin it seemed. But right next to it, was a giant crane, preparing the world for yet another skyscraper. I glanced down before the impending crossing of the bridge blocked my view, and saw the bulldozers that were meant to tear the whole ground apart. Digging as far into the earth as possible to support this beast of industry. I asked myself as I sipped my Dr. Pepper: “How much can the earth take?” and “what effect will this new birth of stone and glass have on the weight of the world?

Now I know, there is gravity, and I understand the physics and mechanics of the world, but I just wondered how much can we build and destroy, and what effect will it have on our natural foundation? These questions popped in my head again recently. How much can you take? When you love someone and care about them deeply, how much can you take? I’ve got two friends who I love with all my heart, and would die for, but they are going through hell right now. One I have known most of my life, and one I feel like I have known an equal length of time. Right now, both of them are becoming annoyed and frustrated with everyone. It hurts me when they don’t want to talk and don’t care. It hurts, and no matter how bad it feels, I can’t and wont walk away, because I love them both so deeply. One of them I feel I that I had complicated and hurt our friendship with the thought of love. For that, I apologize from here to the ends of the earth, and I hope things can be the way they were. However, I am not sorry for feeling how I feel. I am her friend first, and till the end.

I asked the questions about how much the earth can take? Well, it must be able to take as much as I or anyone else. It went through the wind, the rain, the snow, and all the hell Texas weather has to offer, and the tall mountains of man-made steel monsters are still kicking. No matter how much we have dug into the earth, and tore it all to pieces, the earth is still here. It is still offering its bounty to us. So I guess in a nutshell, I am still here for you, for both of you. Love will always be here for both of you, no matter what hell comes through the gates, I will still be here for you.

I guess cause I am cool like that :-P

Blog Episode 107: "I'm walkin' on sunshine. Woooaaaaahhhh, and don't it feel good, hey!"

Blog Episode 107: "I'm walkin' on sunshine. Woooaaaaahhhh, and don't it feel good, hey!"

So, it has been a while, what has changed?

Well, there was this girl that I met online a while back who goes to the school I left, after a while, we really got to know each other, and one night...she and I really got together, lol. Yes, this observer has a girlfriend. She is so wonderful, and sweet and kind, and sexy. She has awoken this sexual side of me I haven't seen, or even thought existed. She makes me feel like I matter, and that I am great, and well...I realize that now, that night she and I came together, gave me so much confidence in myself that I could satisfy a woman's desires. Well well!!!

So, what about the other girl?

Ah the other girl. Hmm, well, there will always be a spot in my heart for the other girl, and I will always care about her, but the other girl doesn't want me. So I am ok with it. I wrote her a song, and sounded like an idiot when she confronted me about it. Sure I think she is still great, and who knows what will happen down the road, but right now, I am in love with another, and she makes me happy. I would still love to hang out with the other girl, if she would still love to hang out with me, because she means a lot to me.

So, I am happy now...So I go on, observing and learning the crazy things about this world, all I need now, are my close friends and my love behind me.

Blog Episode 106: "The sun dances on the ground"

Blog Episode 106: "The sun dances on the ground"

Have you ever listened to a song that spoke to you, and the sad feelings you have? Now take that song and hear it on a day, where the clouds have broken and the sun creeps out. Now, what thoughts go through your head? Do you feel better than you did before, or do those feelings all come back? I could say that I am 100% better, but I would be lying. Things seem to be falling into place, but there is still that thought, that feeling in the back of my head. You know the movie "The Manchurian Candidate" or "Telefon" with Charles Bronson? Well, the reason why I am mentioning that is that both movies are about assassins who are triggered to kill after hearing a song, or a certain poem. They could be leading normal everyday lives, but when they hear that song, something comes back.

Well, that is why I mentioned those movies...well that plus the fact that I think Charles Bronson is awesome! Anyhoo, this song brought back an old feeling, and it made me question whether the old feeling is...well, old or not. It is a happy feeling that makes me feel good, and it has its little dash of sadness, but it is a happy feeling.

Seeing the sun bursting through the clouds got me to write this little poem:

The clouds break all around,
the sun dances on the ground.
A song begins to play,
too bad its a song from a cloudy day.
The melancholy E-minor plucks my heart strings,
only to be trumped by the love the C chord brings.
Love brings warm dreams and gives you hope,
The inevitability of reality cripples 'till you cant cope.
So on this day of maddening joy and light,
a decades old rivalry continues its fight.
As the referee of this bloody bout,
happiness is winning without a doubt.
No matter how much joy, the love and happiness can bring,
the doubt, fear, and inevitability bloodily returns to the ring.

What does this poem mean?: The weight of sadness withers away little by little, and its still painful, but I am happier now than I was before.

Blog Episode 105: Some Nights I Wake Up and Wish I Were a Cheeseburger

Episode 106: Some Nights I Wake Up and Wish I Were a Cheeseburger

We are doing comical lines are we now? Why yes, I am changing things up a but,
because, well I don't know. I was walking through the mall, and this line popped
in my head: 'Some Nights I Wake Up and Wish I Were a Cheeseburger.'

What does this mean???? Well, in a nutshell, it means that I would rather be someone,
or something else, than myself.

Why, you ask? Well, lately, if you have been reading this blog, I have been feeling...how
should I put this? What word sums it all up? I feel like shit. Let me elaborate a little...

For some time now, I have been feeling like I am not who I was. I have become an angry
and lonely man. I haven't been taking my anger out on anyone. I have been beating myself
up. Some days have been great, fun, and full of hope. There are days however that get dark
and hopeless. Why? It all goes back to the old problem of self esteem. Some days I feel like
I am not worth it. I don't deserve the love that deep down inside I really want and hope for.

The women of the past, I have feared them. I have a fear of women. There is something about
them that is so scary. I couldn't  tell you what it is, maybe I have put them on a pedestal for so
long, that I have grown to fear them. I do hold them up high, only because they are special.
I think women are wonderful and amazing. I would crawl to the ends of the earth, if that meant
that the girl of my dreams would be in my arms. But that wont happen. I don't deserve her,
I don't deserve any of them.

'Why do you feel this way?' my friends ask. 'I don't know' I answer back, 'I just don't think I am good
enough.' Sounds selfish and mean doesn't it? I guess it comes from being shot down in high school or something.

I am grateful for every woman in my life, though. They are goddesses who are full of love. 

Blog Episode 104: “Wet ground and the snow is still not falling. Circumstances are alarming, darling.

Blog Episode 104: “Wet ground and the snow is still not falling. Circumstances are alarming, darling.
The future is just a word, that's how I recall it. The past is much more present in our yawning. Seemingly it seems to me I'm subject to a joke, and it's not a test” (I know, long title)

This blog entry, yeah I know it’s been a while, is about dealing with the feelings that you can’t express, and you can’t ignore.

It was over the Christmas holidays, and my brother wanted to go through some old photographs and scan them into his computer so he could have another copy. There were so many photos of me and him in Germany, and going on trips that we haven’t looked at in ages.

A couple of thoughts that so many probably are familiar with passed through my head, as I looked at photographs of myself and my parents:

1. For the first time ever, I saw my parents as actually people, a man and a woman who love each other. They drink beer, they laugh, and they…have sex… (eeeeuuuu) they walk and talk like normal people, not like the aliens that most kids think they are. They smoked weed and got into trouble too.

2. It hit me that these photos are all I have; they are all we have, to know that we existed. They are documents of how happy and free we once were. We realize that that moment is the high point of life, and I don’t remember any of it. Bits flash through my head like the bits of files on a broken hard drive, but these photos are all the hard evidence I have of when nothing mattered, except waking up in the morning and watching “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,” or coming home and watching “Square One” on PBS as my mom makes me Spaghetti-O’s.

Don’t get me wrong, this is not making me really really sad at all. Right now I am just lonely, not extremely sad. Both of those together are a recipe for disaster. It has allowed me to wake up a little from this fresh hell called “earth.” I am starting to accept that there are things I want and could die for, that I can’t have, I have many regrets swimming in my head that I am trying to get rid of.

So...yeah. I need to get back to my other writing assignment. The loneliness talk I am saving for the script. I need something to write about. This stuff really doesnt fit in the movie. So I thought I would share the observation and vent a little. Hope it was coherent enough. I always worry that things I say don't make sense to people because I tend to ramble on.